Guest Post: Response to Courtesy

Tonight we have a guest entry, from a friend of mine and perhaps sole reader of this blog. He responds to my last entry, regarding the subject of common courtesy. Enjoy.

Dear Anonymity,

I would like to begin by commending you for writing on such a thought provoking subject- and more importantly seeking the opinions of others. What follows is my version of courtesy. I am always seeking to broaden my horizons and will have no difficulty in reading other peoples’ thought on this matter.

As you point out, I agree that ‘courtesy’ as a common definition has no defined boundaries. The definition of courtesy as provided by the Merriam Webster Dictionary is:

2 a : general allowance despite facts : indulgence b : consideration, cooperation, and generosity in providing something (as a gift or privilege); also : agency, means —used chiefly in the phrases through the courtesy of or by courtesy of or sometimes simply courtesy of

I can see why this in itself gives you pause and inspires you to question the true meaning of a word that has been uttered in many situations. The definition cannot truly encompass the range of emotions associated with the word ‘courtesy’.

You point out that courtesy seems to hold a different meaning to different people. In a way this is true. Different actions elicit different emotions from different people. However, if you look past the complex nature of emotions; is happiness not the same to everyone? Is sorrow not the same for everyone? Is guilt not the same for everyone?

What I am trying to point out in an awkward fashion, is that it might take different actions to get an emotional response out of people. However, once those emotions are drawn out, they are the same for everyone.

I bring up the topic of emotions in relation to courtesy as I feel they are intertwined. It may not be a matter of emotion for you if you are the one providing courtesy, but I strongly feel that it is a matter of emotion when you receive courtesy. The definition- ‘general allowance despite facts’ makes it clear that courtesy is a way of acknowledging something or someone without it or them “deserving” your acknowledgement. The mere fact that you so choose to acknowledge them (in the case of those capable of feeling emotions) will ‘make their day’ so to speak because of my lack of a better way to put it.

Although I am not a religious being I present a quote from the bible- "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Otherwise known as the Golden Rule, it is not limited to the bible. It is another phrase that you must have heard many times over. It is my belief that courtesy is a product of this teaching. Courtesy embodies ‘what you would want done unto you’.

I am getting near my point and hope that it has not been quite a heavy task to follow my rambling.

Courtesy in my mind has quite a lot to do with knowing the people you interact with. In other words if you know the person you are interacting with does not take offense with you “putting your shoe on the table” then it is OK to put your shoe on the table. However, if the opposite is true, then it becomes a matter of courtesy to NOT put your shoe on the table.

Courtesy is not something that you are “supposed to recognize and adhere to as a moral code”. I believe that courtesy is a choice of the person who gives it and not something that can be expected. If it is expected then courtesy holds no value in my mind. When people say that they expect courtesy, it is a way of saying that your previous action did not go too well with them and if in the future you are to change your action to suit them you WILL receive an emotion of some sort (hopefully one that pleases you).

Again, courtesy is not something that you are compelled to give. It is yours and yours alone to give and if it is taken from you then it loses all meaning. You must be the judge of when to give someone courtesy. I base it on how I would feel if I were to receive courtesy from them. I base it by placing myself in their shoes and thinking about how they must feel when I offer them courtesy. When meeting new people I tend to err on the safe side and not look to provoke any negative feelings towards me. It is when I have been truly acquainted with people that I can take a more relaxed approach to courtesy. There are exceptions however, and some people may expect courtesy in return from the person who received that courtesy; otherwise it may seem like a waste of their energy and good intentions. When you present a gift to someone, do you not expect some form of gratitude in return?

I hope that this has not come across in any way was admonishing or disapproving. If, so I humbly apologize. As a final note, I would like to point out that I added “and more importantly seeking the opinions of others” at the beginning of my long winded discussion because; that my friend is an act of courtesy.

-Your Friend